Have you ever found yourself wishing that you could be a self-righteous pain in the ass? You’ve tried going to church with your family, who just end up listening to the sermon! You’ve tried “lording over” everyone, but your toupee makes them laugh! No one takes you seriously. And you thought people would gaze in amazement at your new Prayer Cross from the Montebello Collection, only to find that the !#$%&* bluehair in the front pew got hers first.
And then there’s that huge-ass Bible-whatever, with the onionskin pages, and all those goddamn words in it. Who even really “gets” that, anyway?
What does an ignoramus like you have to do to get people to listen to you? Well, my friend, it’s time to toss out that Bible; take your family to IHOP before the church crowd shows up, cross your arms, peer down your nose, and relax.
Finally, there’s an easier, softer way to become a complete self-righteous pain in the ass! With our revolutionary 12 Steps to instant insufferability!
Wideman also went through a crisis years ago, one that ended up strengthening his faith. But in a curious shift, it also left him questioning something that few believers seem to ask these days: Can you really find God in church?
Wideman is no longer sure.
“For me, I said I’ve got to drop this title of Christian,” he said. “It doesn’t work for me anymore.”
Again, that doesn’t mean Wideman is an atheist or agnostic. He’s found his “church,” if you will. As a former deacon in a Baptist church in Montgomery, Ala., he now finds his greatest source of faith within a very different organization: Alcoholics Anonymous.
Order within the next ten minutes — we can’t do this all day — and get your free Magic 12-Step Ball, which will answer your questions faster than your pastor: 
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Stinkin' Thinkin' 
March 7, 2010 at 5:52 am
I want that Magic 12-Step Ball!
(Wait, what? It’s for real? I thought it was a joke.)
March 7, 2010 at 6:12 am
That, my friend, is real. I like it because the answers are just as arbitrary as from a real sponsor.
March 7, 2010 at 8:01 am
OMG it is real. I also thought it was a joke and must own one.
March 7, 2010 at 9:39 am
I know! I photoshopped a magic 8 ball with slogans way back when we started the blog (I loved how the answer ball in the window looked like the AA symbol).
I shoulda known that AA will outclass me in absurdity every time.
March 7, 2010 at 10:42 am
We should get one and tape an image of one of our regular AAs on it, and we’ll have our own virtual sponsor. Someone comb the pedophilia records in Jersey for Tony’s pic, and I’ll order a magic 12 step ball.
March 7, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Projecting again ?
March 7, 2010 at 3:30 pm
Do you have one of these magic balls, Tony? Oh, wait, I forgot, you don’t have any balls.
March 7, 2010 at 6:11 pm
hello mr. j.
i noticed you have no response to the balls question.
of course what balls you do have would be tucked up inside you, kinda like ovaries, no?
just testing to see how “serene” you are. and don’t forget, if you are angry, and lash out at my insults, i’m the one who’s sick, and you must pray for me for 2 weeks, or some such nonesense. i would quote your bible…er,i mean your big book of bill’s bullshit, but i’m too busy living my life and being “happy joyous and free” away from the cult to look it up. but i do know that principle of living is in there somewhere. perhaps you could enlighten me as to where? i really would like to know how well you know your big book.
ps–do you know why it was called/made into a big book? because bill w. wanted to impress fools with how large and sturdy his crap was. he thought/knew that it would not suceed on the merits of its’ message.
regards,
groovecat
March 7, 2010 at 10:23 am
Thanks for the link to the newspaper article, “Churchianity”. The spiritual drivel in that article would nicely summarize the “spiritual” sentiments expressed in AA meetings.
As I think more about my experience in AA over the years, the more surprised I am that I ever withstood those stridently sanctimonious tirades from true believers. I have to laugh when I consider oldtimers bloviating about how they gave up belief in the dogmatism of “Churchianity”, without recognizing they’ve adopted the most irrational and unthinking dogmatism imaginable in its place.
To change the subject, I also see AA meetings as theater-like, where immoral voyeurs congregate to listen to an endless stream of newcomers tell their stories of alcoholic abasement. The oldtimers are titillated, for sure, so there’s also an element of sadism underlying all that hypocritical “unconditional love.” And just what kind of “spirituality” are we talking about for newcomers, when you consider that the average sponsor is a mentally diseased voyeur?
March 7, 2010 at 2:13 pm
ftg,
i remember when the a-of-a aphorism magic 8-ball was just a gleam in your (& maybe bill w’s) eye. good times … .
nobody — and i mean NOBODY — sends up 12×12 better than the ’12×12 community’. keep an eye out for “12 steps fah gangstas, dawg” or the ‘i12x12’ (in wifi & 3g models).
or how about this one: “big book: the musical”? i’ll write the music & lyrics if you’ll do the costumes & choreography. hey … at least we know it’ll play in ohio!
it’s all fun & games until someone starts killing alcoholics,
speedy
March 7, 2010 at 2:58 pm
I saw somewhere there’s a 12-Step Recovery Bible in print, where some AA lunatic poured through the Bible, probably to highlight the wheat from the chaff. I doubt it sells much since most in AA believe Bill W did that already when he wrote the Big Book.
March 7, 2010 at 3:14 pm
Here is one.
March 26, 2010 at 12:02 am
Unfortunately it is VERY popular in my area. There are several meetings dedicated specifically to it! Can you imagine? I stumbled into one accidentally a number of years ago and ran out with my tail between my legs, so to speak.
March 7, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Hi Speedy,
I can see it now: Springtime for Wilson!
Keep me posted,
L. Bloom
March 7, 2010 at 4:46 pm
How about a big number called “Bill’s White Light Experience”. It could have all kinds of laser lights, and up with people could do the vocals.
March 8, 2010 at 1:56 am
Bill W was a modern day prophet sent to us from God.
I cant believe the terrible things that are said on this site.
Shame on you all.
March 8, 2010 at 4:23 am
This one is for real I think.
http://www.billwanddrbob.com/
March 26, 2010 at 7:26 pm
Yeah, it’s real. It got horrid reviews, not only off-Broadway, but in London. There’s a traveling show that’s making the roads, it was in Asheville last year. They stayed about a week, just long enough that the dedicated steppers in the area got a look, even they wouldn’t go back for seconds.
March 8, 2010 at 8:33 am
to murray, there you AA ers go with the “shame” word. Bill Wilson was no prophet, He was into demonic occult, check out for yourself, Shame on you for gullible
March 8, 2010 at 2:06 pm
March 8, 2010 at 3:13 pm
lol..
March 8, 2010 at 7:35 pm
Ha ha sorry guys,
Was a bit of a stitch up there. Although i am in AA I have not gone to any meetings for a few months and have begun to question the whole thing after 3 years in the program.
I guess I have taken a step back to look at things objectively. ALthough Im grateful for aa in contributing to my sobriety. I am now left with a stale taste in my mouth and have drastically reduced my expectations of what the steps could do for me. Im sure like many others I feel short changed after giving it a real good crack.
My sponsor says im playing with fire:) Im not so sure about that.
But I have been bouyed by people like yourselves that didnt explode, implode or fly over the cuckoos nest after leaving.
I felt like my previous post was a funny introduction to this site.
Cheers guys
March 9, 2010 at 7:10 am
Well played, Murray! That was pretty funny. Welcome!
March 9, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Sorry I made a joke at Murray’s expense on his earlier comment before seeing that it was a joke. Had to be, of course, but I think my point about the reality of AAs higher power is consistent with the embarrassing sharing about the higher power.
On Sunday I ran into one of the hardliners from my group. Since he hasn’t seen me in a while, I get the AA once-over, the captious “How’re you doing?”. Definitely more like he’s fishing for something than greeting me. And when I answer “Fine,” he says “Oh yeahhh?” like he had some reason to suspect I’d been drinking. (Hadn’t and don’t intend to, so screw him.) Has anyone else been subjected to this manipulative crap outside “the rooms?”
He then asks me, testing me actually, “Will I see you at the meeting tomorrow morning?”. When I tell him “Not likely,” he turns and walks away. So much for AA fellowship. My recovery–recovery from AA that is– will have to include making sure I don’t take offense from mean-spirited AA losers in the first place.
March 9, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Its weird I still have a sponser and we caught up the other day(first time in ages).
He looks at me suspiciously when i say im doing ok.(If im honest Im not walking on sunshine but generally im ok for an obsessive like myself)
Anyway he does not seem to respect my decision to take an aa holiday and keeps telling me to go to meetings(although he laughs like hes being a hardarse sponser, He has a sense of humour)
I wonder if it is possible to keep a sponser who I respect and enjoy talking to or is it just going to end up being an untenable postion?
I mean as soon as I have a bad day im going to get the whole meeting meeting meeting response.
March 9, 2010 at 3:46 pm
That suspicious look, that’s it. Maybe they’re so brainwashed by the AA threats of jails, institutions, and death they cannot imagine anyone leaving and not ending up like that, so they’re just curious. Still, it’s more than that, and not well-meaning in my experience. Far too many of them also thrive on hearing tragic stories fulfilling the AA threat, keeping it green, as they say. And the cult of sponsorship with its implied sanction of authority may explain the audacity of these guys in asking probing questions that are grossly out of line in any other setting.
March 9, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Right Dan, because no one has ever left AA and ended up in jail, an institution or dead, or even drunk again and without a family. We make it all up.
Have you ever considered that your hostile attitude might have something to do with the way you’re treated. After all, you hang out on anti-AA blogs and complain all day. Maybe they’ve just read some of your stuff and think you’re a wack job.
I wouldn’t socialize with any of you if I could help it. Why would I ? It can be borning when AA’s only talk ‘aa’. But you anti-AA’s have all the boring negative qualities and none of the good ones. At least AA’s know how to cut up and have a little fun. You guys are just plain old sad sacs.
Jumping on murray like that…lol, I knew he was joking right away. You guys are wound so tight your gonna pop.
March 11, 2010 at 11:02 am
AA people are “lol’? You’re kidding like Murray, right? They’re more like morbidly self-absorbed, angry, and glum. AAs walking from their car to the meeting look like the “pod people” in the movie “The Body Snatchers.”
AAs mistake their own self-absorption for spirituality, much as Bill W did, so it’s unsurprising they feel the need to defend it and as narcissists inflict their views on others. But don’t worry, Tony, there will always be enough people down on their luck and suffering the results of destructive drinking to keep your kind busy meddling in their lives. I don’t want what you’ve got, that’s for sure.
March 11, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Trust me, the feeling is mutual.
If I ever get sick of AA I won’t go anymore, but I also won’t come on a blog like this and waste my time complaining about it.
I’ll just move on.
If you don’t like the AA’s and they don’t like you, then pretend you’re an adult and find new friends.
March 26, 2010 at 12:07 am
LOL I think you should write an inventory about that.
March 9, 2010 at 4:17 pm
In my opinion, many of them just don’t have a clue how creepy they are. They are used to dealing with vulnerable people and don’t like it when people start rediscovering what it means to have healthy boundaries.
March 11, 2010 at 11:04 am
Right on target. Wish I’d read your comments before responding to Tony above.
March 9, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Dan
I think when certain people believe so strongly in something they will generally fing it hard to believe someone who has broken away from their set of beliefs.
Its nothing personal you are just a potential threat to their rigid idealogy.
March 26, 2010 at 1:27 am
I have to agree with you Murray. I’ve tried to remain friends with the person who was my sponsor many years ago, but every time I speak to him, he talks to me as though I were still in AA.
He doesn’t preach at me or anything, but he just can’t fathom that the ideology he bases his life upon has no influence upon me anymore. He asked me yesterday to give him some pointers on his “right AA” book he’s writing. I told him I could edit it, but that’s about it considering I don’t find any of it valid in my experience.
At least he’s friendly to me, unlike all the other people who were supposed to be friends.
March 9, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Also to be fair, I gotta say some of my friends are still in aa we caught up the other night for poker and they pretty much respect my decision which is cool.
March 10, 2010 at 3:22 am
Murray – I’ve found it most definitely depends on the person. Some people have been cool to me, and some I’ll never hear from again. And that’s fine. Probably wouldn’t ever have been friends with them anyway.
As to whether you can keep a sponsor or not, I think it depends on your intentions. If it is an ‘aa holiday’, I don’t see why not, just know that you will get told to go to meetings, etc as that is what one does in AA. If you don’t intend to go back, I don’t think you can keep a sponsor, as that relationship would change to one of friendship (or not), and the distinction should be made clear.
Tony J – no one said that people never leave AA and get drunk, jailed, institutionalised. Of course this happens. The point is that it does not happen to all people that leave AA, or even to most people that leave AA. The few who do implode upon leaving are held up as examples and talked about in meetings as a tool of reinforcement that one must stay in AA to remain safe.
I heard a great one recently, about a man who left the fellowship, got drunk, tripped off a curb, busted his head and died. Lamest story of why you should not drink ever. And to be honest I wonder if it was made up, but you think the person sharing would have made up something better.
And Tony J you don’t have to socialise with the likes of us if you do not want. Obviously you get some sort of enjoyment out of it or you would not be on here all the time.
March 11, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Jails, institutions or death happens to most alcoholics before they come to AA. It usually happens again fairly soon after they start drinking again. Attendence at AA meetings is irrelevant.
It doesn’t happen very much at all to non-alcoholics. AA was designed for a certain type of drinker. If you don’t belong then quit. By all means.
And don’t flater yourself, I’m not socializing with you. I’m responsing to some of your idiotic posts. There’s a difference.
March 11, 2010 at 4:08 pm
You are blaming being a loser who winds up in jail on you being an akie? I think not. You do all that loser shit because you are a fuck-up, not an alkie. Fuck-ups wind up in jail, some just happen to drunks.
March 11, 2010 at 4:19 pm
Sounds like someone needs a drink.
Talk with FTG, she knows how you can drink safely.
March 26, 2010 at 5:57 am
“responsing”?
March 10, 2010 at 6:46 pm
If AA fell of the map tomorrow I would be OK.
I don’t go to many meetings. It is not a place I go, it is a way I live.
I’ve had friends who’ve left AA (the fellowship) and they are doing good for the most part and we have remained in contact. I even considered leaving myself a few times over the last five years or so.
I guess you get free to go when you are free to stay, but if someone I sponsored wanted to leave AA, I wouldn’t get in their way. No doubt the relationship would change, but who am I to deny someone a chance to experience their own experience?