Everyone reading this blog has to close their eyes right now because this is a private conversation between me & my long-lost YouTube ‘sponsor’ (my sponsor’s YT channel).
No … I mean it! This is personal, confidential, emotionally-charged, rigorously honest stuff. Things meant for my “sponsor’s” eyes only. “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions …” & all that (serenity blah blah blah).
Come on, already! No peeking.
Alright then. I am grateful for your … something. (For a moment, there, I felt a bit of ‘conscious contact’!)
Now that I feel comfortable & safe & loved (until I can love myself) I can speak directly & honestly to my “sponsor”.
It’s been a while, old sponsor pal o’ mine, & I’m glad we’ve got this little private time to ‘share’ with one another. Although I didn’t pick you, didn’t actually request your ‘sponsoring’ me through this ‘journey of sobriety’, haven’t met or ever called you (or, at least, not that I know of … just yet), & don’t see even the tiniest thing about you I might want that you have (based on our very limited YT discussions), I can see that we share more than a few personal characteristics.
And it’s good to know there’s someone just like you out there in what can be a cold, cruel, & empty world. I feel a connection with you — an inter-connection you might call it — & I mean to make it grow closer with each passing day. You have so much to teach me & I can be such willful, tenacious, & resentful sponsee.
Yes, this bond needs to grow closer & much more personal. Only then can the healing begin.
Boy, that’s a load off my chest! I may go ‘share’ this little miracle at a meeting later! Or maybe I’ll go tie one on, blow my last invoice on drugs, & hook up with some young girl who thinks I’m cute when I’m drunk & say, “Fuck that AA noise!” What do you think, “sponsor” of mine? What do you ‘suggest’ I do?
I respect your ‘input’ … because (& this is a little embarrassing) you know me & I’m getting to know you. For instance:
- Your prose is familiar; I just know we’ve talked before … recently
- You’re an educated, articulate guy … and, man, if you don’t appreciate tangling with other educated, articulate guys; you’ve been waiting a while for me, haven’t you? (g-a-w-d, I feel special! But you weren’t paying attention when I told you my whole story, so I guess I’m not so special after all)
- You’re a guy; more specifically a white, American, (almost certainly) middle- to upper-middle-class guy; definitely older than me (maybe 10 years — give or take), maybe retired or on the way to being ‘retired’
- You probably got your education in an East Coast school, but you’re not Roman Catholic (because then you’d be aware of just how much your commentary is so tritely reminiscent of the early church’s school of apologetics)
- I’m your special little project & you went out of your way to hit my radar in a very big way; again … the gratitude is overwhelming
- You’re staring into the abyss & the abyss is staring right back at you (come on, big fella — even the most ‘serene’ spirit [like yours’] looks to ride the razor’s edge every once in a while; what good is having an intervening, all powerful sky dad in your life if you can’t defy or feel abandoned by him every now & again … “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” [oops, letting those RC roots slip again; what would Father Joe say?)
- You like fucking with people — just like your nasty, willful, resentful, determined sponsee
- For all your refined prose & well-phrased sophistry, you haven’t actually come to terms with the illusion of ‘anonymity’ (very slippery stuff, has a tendency to evaporate right before your very eyes — often in ways you hadn’t anticipated)
- I’ve practically posted everything but latitudinal & longitudinal coordinates for you here & elsewhere, but you think using my first name in your commentary is going to spook me; I mean, isn’t it part of a “sponsor’s” responsibility to respect & preserve that bond of trust between him & his sponsee? If I didn’t know you better, I’d suspect you were trying “teach me a lesson” … rather than guiding me along the path of love & tolerance
There’s so much more, but I guess it will have to wait.
Unless you want to send along your contact information to me … off-line, of course. You know how to find me. Soon enough, that will be a two-way street.
Can’t hardly wait.