Hey underlings, God here — or ‘HP’ for you 12-step adherents.

As you know (especially those of you in “conscious contact” with me) I’m an all-knowing, all-powerful, intervening force who’s eternal & (unless you want to be a smarty-pants & want to cite some passages attributed to me in the Old Testament & Qu’ran) all good. Bear in mind, my children, I’ve been doing this all-knowing, all-powerful thing for a very, very, VERY long time (6 thousand plus years for you evangelical types, 15 billion or so years for those of you scientifically inclined, all eternity [beyond the notion of ‘time’ if your Thomas Aquinas]). Put bluntly, that’s more than a bit of a ‘while’.

Even for us omnipotent types, that can get … a little tiring.

Put even more bluntly, I’m friggin’ tired.

So, after catching all you American-born of my children celebrate & relax over your “4th of July Holiday Weekend”, I’ve decided I’m going to take a little vacation of my own. And, lemme tell ya, controlling ‘the wills & lives’ of all you 12-step types the world over is a LOT of me-damned work. Frankly, I’m pooped. That & I’ve got to attend to the unanticipated collision of a dual giant black-holes situation in the deep galaxy. There’s (non-alcoholic) sentient beings in that little bit of galactic real estate who are pretty close to my heart, too, so I want to lend them a helping hand.

Once I take care of this dual colliding giant black-hole thing, I am — as they say ’round the way — just straight up chillin’, yo. For the forseeable future.  Got it?

So your ‘wills’ & your ‘lives’ are in your own hands.  You can mumble all the ‘Serenity Prayers’ you want; they’re just gonna fall on deaf ears.  I don’t care how many things you feel like ‘turning over’; I ain’t picking up the ball that you fumbled.

I’m kicking it large.

Out to lunch.

Gone fishin’.

You end up drunk, high, having unprotected sex, or gambling away the mortgage for third time, I don’t want to hear about it.  Tie your own me-damned shoes, pull up your me-damned drawers, & get down to the issue of taking care of the problem ON YOUR OWN.

Remember — and having said this some 4 thousand years ago to my peeps in Jerusalem I would think it would have sunk in by now — I help those who help themselves.  Throw a deity a break, here.  Wipe your own asses, already.