Oh, these two! I really pray that Dr. Dave and Bill remain this arrogant and deluded. Seriously, there are few things funnier than watching a smug panty-sniffer reveal their inner perv with every wag of the finger. 

They ask in the title of this week’s column:

Is South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford a sex addict?

Well, of course, this is the first reasonable question that should pop into any person’s mind. And naturally it would be utterly irresponsible not to speculate — and maybe fantasize — do a little role-playing — just to really get to the bottom of it. And using the interrogative? Well, that is just a very advanced rhetorical flourish, that allows the smart men to suggest something, without actually having to back it up. Are Dr. Dave and Bill a couple of dirty-minded creeps? Who knows!

BILL: Dave, if I described a 46-year-old married father to you, a guy who disappeared for almost a week, leaving no word for his wife or office, you might think he’d been in an auto accident or drunk.

DR. DAVE: Are you asking if South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford got drunk on love when he snuck off to Argentina to have an affair?

Or are you asking if Sanford was tweaking on love? Perhaps he was overeating on love?

BILL: When I used to be an editor under Helen Gurley Brown at Cosmopolitan, we wrote a lot of articles about what women will do for love. I can’t remember one about a woman so sexually infatuated she’d act like Mark Sanford.

Wait! I thought we were talking about love. No? At this point, it might be irresponsible not to specualte about whether real love can actually exist between men and women… Maybe only men can manage to maintain that Platonic Ideal… Maybe what people think of as love between men and women is just some shadow, just sexual infatuation… an allergy, perhaps?

And Bill has never heard of a woman acting like an asshole over a relationship? Good god.  

DR. DAVE: Are we back to that old notion of yours that anything outside of alcohol and drugs can’t be a “real addiction?”

BILL: After ex-Senator Larry Craig’s men’s room adventures, David Carradine’s seemingly autoerotic death, and now Sanford’s rambling press conferences about unrequited love? Dave, I’m past that.

Dr. Dave and Bill know a sexual addiction when it makes their naughty parts tingle.

Here’s the rest…