A reader writes:

Hey Dr. friendthegirl,

I just read on our own fucking blog where this goddam candyass Marilyn Manson says, “The definition of an alcoholic is someone who drinks, screws up their life and knows it, but continues doing it. Well I screwed up my life up before I drank.”

Lemme tell ya, this fishnet pantyhose wearing half-a-fag screwed up a lot people’s lives before they started drinking — my own niece included. If anyone deserves to spend the rest of their natural life sitting in church basements, getting hounded by step nazi’s, writing encyclopedic 4th steps, & reading ’em to some crystal-wearing yo-yo of a sponsor, it’s this goof, no?

I rely on your therapeutic expertise in these matters & so will shut up long enough for you to say something patronizing & of very little meaning or substance.

Of course, then I will continue raging in my quaint, blue-collar manner.

Signed,

Angry Speedy

Namaste, Speedy.

That reminds of the ice cream social I attended yesterday, where a couple of members were celebrating their first birthday. We cranked up some tunes – I still can’t get “I Am I Said” out of my head! I was just so overwhelmed with gratitude, as I surveyed the group of deeply joyful people – as only the truly recovering can be deeply joyful (and also truly honest) – reveling in fellowship – as only we can revel in fellowship – while scraping fudge ripple out of styrofoam cups with plastic sporks. Where else, but from a gray metal folding chair in a dark basement that reeks of burnt coffee and ashtrays, can you find this deep level of serenity?

Now, because I am a Doctor, I have a tendency to talk way above your head, so I’m going to try to spoon-feed you this complex theory, so that the lay person can understand: It’s a common misconception that ladies cannot be classified as fags. But Angry Speedy is not crazy. His girlfriend might very well be a homosexual male.

I have a bombshell for you: Alcoholism has nothing to do with actual alcohol! You can be an alcoholic without ever having had a drink in your life. See, the sly thing about alcoholism is that the part about “physically consuming” alcohol is incidental – you are born an alcoholic, ok? And if you’ve never had a drink of alcohol, you can be what we call a “dry drunk.” In lay terms, you’d be called an “asshole.” But, in fact, you’re an alcoholic who has not addressed his alcoholism — even if you don’t drink. It’s really a miracle. 

And, similarly, one can be a gay male without even being male! Or gay! You’re just born that way. This is the wonder and glory of The Program. See, alcoholism has as much to do with the consumption of alcohol as fagness has to do with one’s gender or sexual orientation. You can never have had a drink in your life, and still be an alcoholic. And you can be a straight female, and still be a male homosexual.

Scientifically speaking – and please forgive me for using the big words – these are what we call “spiritual diseases.” That’s why, if you quit drinking, your alcoholism continues to progress. If you start drinking after 20 years sober, you’ll die, just as if you’d been drinking for 20 years straight. And if you’re a gay male female who’s…

Oh, whatever. Fuck you.

Oh wait! Amends!

Never happened. 

I’d say you’re quite correct in encouraging your girlfriend to continue going to meetings – there’s nothing in the Big Book about fishnets. If you are still concerned about her sexual orientation, I would encourage you to join Homo-Anon, to help you own your part. On the bright side, don’t worry about your niece.

Blessings,

Dr. friendthegirl

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