Drunkalog: A long story, told at a 12 step meeting, that concentrates on the days of the speaker’s active addiction

Ever sit in a room, listening to someone talk, checking your watch every two minutes, praying to God that Dr Kevorkian might miraculously walk into the room and put you out of your misery? If you answered no, then you haven’t heard a drunkalog. Drunkalogs can be fairly brief, but the really good ones are given by old-timers who have honed their skills at telling the same story over and over and over and over and over….and over, again. The same jokes, the same pauses for effect and same trite slogans. Listen to them enough, and you begin to feel like Bill Murray’s character in Groundhog Day, where he relives the same scene over and over again. That is, of course, if Groundhog Day were set in a cliché factory.

Every drunkalog is different, because each person’s history is unique, but there are some common components to every one of them: 1) person starts life, and life is either good or bad, but either way, that is the reason the person drank; 2) drinking solves a problem by providing relief or escape or loosening a person up or making them feel better about themselves or whatever; 3) drinking becomes a habit, but the person did not want to admit to the habit 4) person loses job, and/or family, and/or drivers license; 5) person thinks they are in control; 5) person fucks up worse, finds themselves in AA; 6) person does not like AA, or is skeptical about the steps, or didn’t “get it”; 7) person eventually gets it, and life is better thanks to AA. Typically a drunkalog includes a before and after routine – “Before AA I was a selfish, angry, prick; but now I am at peace”.

Drunkalogs are torture beyond anything the folks at Guantanamo Bay could dream up. Personally, I would rather be water boarded than subjected to old timer Ray’s forty-minute rant one more time. If you are looking for one reason to avoid AA meetings, drunkalogs are it.

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